Ah yes, the Fuckboy Phenomenon. A concept that swept the nation years ago as the first derogatory colloquial towards men. For those who may not know, Fuckboys are a demographic of the male population that search for maximum non-committal vaginal penetration with minimal effort and money spent.
These guys are like herpes, they appear in various forms, and all of them should be avoided as their consequences may be irreversible.
(This metaphor is also appropriate because they probably have herpes anyways.)
So, consider this my gift to you, a guide to identify male fuckery, to get you one step closer to finding a dignified and clean partner.
1. The Common Fuckboy
Fuckboy /fʌk bɔɪ/ : A male who peaked in middle school and uses Facebook messenger as his primary conversational tool. His excessive use of hair gel has prevented his brain from fully developing out its pre-teen phase. When he’s not initiating a game of ’21 Questions’ with underage girls, he and his squad of fuckboys can be found chugging Monster energy drinks in the gas station parking lot.
“Suzie, remember that fuckboy from Econ that got us molly for Ultra three years ago? Yeah, he just DM-ed us to come over to take Speed and go to Walmart.”
2. The Fuckster
Fuckster /fʌk stər/: A vegan juice bar employee that believes in splitting the check. Ironically, he’s atheist, but between the man bun, beard and sandals, he and his Fuckster brethren look like the Biblical reenactment squad for the History Channel. When they’re not purging their guts out at an Ayahuasca ceremony, they religiously smoke marijuana together to pay their respect to the Jamaican Deity, Bob Marley.
“The last fuckster I dated broke up with me because our horoscopes weren’t compatible.”
3. The Fuckuido
Fuckuido /fʌk ˈɡwēdō/: A third-generation American who truly believes he’s Italian but has never left the country. He always carries more condoms than humanly necessary in his wallet and probably wants to use one of them to fuck his overprotective mother that he still lives with. He loves spaghetti, yelling and is the bouncer at any under 21 club.
“This fuckuido tried to finger me to Despacito on the dance floor last night”
4. The FuckMate
FuckMate /phʌk bɔɪ/: A refined and tactical Fuckboy who uses Ralph Lauren and posh country club memberships as a diversion from his carnal motives. His narcissism and unhealthy glorification of his father are a result of parental neglect and attending 4+ years of private boarding school. Due to deep-rooted commitment issues, he does not believe in dates, cuddling, or allowing the girls he fucks to stay the night. His hobbies include golf, ghosting, yachting, and making fun of poor people.
“My main FuckMate, Brody, refused to take off his sweater vest during sex”
5. The Fuck-Daddy
FuckDaddy /phʌk ˈdadē/: He’s 50+, rich, and 100% pays for pussy on the regular. Buying bottle shows and Ukranian hookers are his favorite hobby second to tax-evasion. He doesn’t believe in women over the age of 27, and has at least 6 different kids with 6 different mothers sprinkled across the globe. (Undoubtedly the father of a FuckMate.) He religiously follows the Cannes-Mykonos-Ibiza circuit each summer where he parades his merry-band of escorts on his 100+ foot yacht.
“I think Sarah’s dad might be a FuckDaddy. He just offered me 10k and a night of passion if I sign his ironclad NDA.”
Come in contact with a fucker that isn’t listed? Call 1-800-FUCKBOY for a review.