It’s Valentine’s Day; you walk into your room and unexpectedly find a crimson red box wrapped in a sable ribbon sitting at the foot of your bed. You excitingly pick up the card next to the gift that reads,
‘My driver will be waiting for you outside at precisely 7 o’clock. I can’t wait to see how ravishing you’ll look tonight. xoxo’
You quickly unpack the box and slip into the provided lace lingerie that you’ll be wearing underneath your fitted cocktail dress.
As the clock strikes seven, you find the chauffeur opening the doors for you to enter a sleek, black Audi A8 L. You sink into the beige leather seats and let your anticipations settle to the sound of smooth jazz and a glass of Perrier Jouet.
As you pull up to El Gaucho’s, you see your man at the entryway curling his lips into that wry smile that sends a tingle down your spine.
His subtle grin grows as he approaches you, which is followed by a euphoric kiss on forehead. He fumbles for your fingers and leads you towards the intimate dinner table under a canopy of lights overlooking Elliott Bay.
You proceed to wake up from this dream and disappointingly look at the foot of your bed… only to realize there is no crimson box, but it is indeed Valentine’s Day.
But fear not, my fellow singletons, there’s no need to dwell on your destined solitude and fantasize about the perfect Valentine’s Day with your Prince Charming… not soberly at least.
In fact, you can make this minor setback work in your favor by over-dramatizing your loneliness to get away with socially unacceptable behavior.
By just admitting you’re single, you essentially manipulate society into granting you a free pass to do things like tweet about your inevitable fate with cats… which then creates a motive to indulge in a box of chardonnay and wallow in self-pity.
But, a scheme of this caliber does require a bit of sacrifice. So, in order to take full advantage of the holiday, you’ll have to put your societal expectations of class, independence, and strength on hold so you can endure as much self-loathing as possible to justify your
You can fulfill this objective by partaking in any of the following activities:
- Third-wheel dinner with your parents
- Go to the ‘singles appreciation party’ and make out with one ugly mother-f*cker just so you can be that much more disappointed in yourself
- Drunk-text your ex (if you have one)
- Embroider the words ‘I am so alone’ on a custom throw pillow
- Order yourself Pizza Hut’s ‘Tie the Knot With a $10 Pizza Box’ Holiday Special
Disclaimer: this spiraling self-degradation can only be glorified the week leading up to the event, so embrace it while you can.
So, there you have it, folks. You don’t need a man, roses, or fancy dinners for an authentic Valentine’s Day celebration. A bottle of tequila and a motive to brood is equally, if not more, festive.