Dear Nice Guys,
As I’m sure you have realized through many years of failed dating, living in the 21st century has essentially landed you and your chivalrous ways in The Friendzone.
You might be asking yourself, ‘what is the friendzone?’ And, ‘How did I get here?’
It’s time to set record straight.
The Friendzone is a place where your affections are unrequited.
In laymen’s terms, you serve as a woman’s gay bff because there aren’t enough homosexuals for the entire female population.
Deciphering whether or not you’re in the friendzone can be very tricky, especially if you live in denial. I recommend reflecting over the listed symptoms to identify your diagnosis:
- She texts you first.
- She doesn’t bother to shave/shower for you.
- She asks you for dating advice.
- She asks you to set her up with your more attractive friend.
- She says “Hey ___, you know we’re just friends, right? I didn’t mean to give you the wrong impression” when you confess your true feelings…
If you can relate to 1 or more of these symptoms, then congrats! You are officially doomed.
Now that you’re wondering how you got here, let me explain. You declared your residency in this platonic hell because you didn’t properly play ‘the game.’
As a friendzoning offender myself, I feel like the least I could do is properly educate the ‘nice guy’ community. So here are some pointers and necessary information you’ll need:
- First impressions are really important; so looking like you’re worth 9 figures will definitely put the odds in your favor. You can take these formative steps by being well-groomed and dressed to impress. You can never go wrong with a Ralph Lauren button down and boat shoes.
- Make sure you don’t screw up the introduction. You want to be creative and confident, but know the line between mysteriously sexy and sexual predator. I would recommend the classic ‘send the girl a drink and have the bartender/waiter point to you. When she looks at you; wink, smirk, toast then continue talking to your friends.’
- The sexual tension you’ll instil will definitely score you a slow dance to a fast song on the dance floor.
Now that she
knows thinks you’re a suave lad, it’s time to teach you the rules of actually interacting with this woman.
This love game has a tit-for-tat system and requires a lot of strategic thinking and manipulation. For each move you make you get a point; for each positive retaliation, she gets a point. You are not allowed be ahead by more than a point at any given moment. This is because you want to be showing just enough interest to keep her flattered while keeping the mystery alive.
Compliments, signs of enthusiasm, asking for phone numbers, dates, friend requests, double texts, touching etc. all count as points.
So keep score and play on, playas.